Okay, so it's obviously no secret that we love Bailee very much and wanted to adopt her. We thought God was going to work this out for us.
Sadly for now he didn't.
Today I had to run to target...as I was on my way almost out...I recognized this lady...and she had an infant carrier , and I recognized the blankets...but the top was covered. I thought...okay this can not be her. The lady who took her from us....I followed her a bit through the store...I totally freaked her out...she grabbed her stuff and headed to the the checkout, which naturally I did the same. I noticed what she was purchasing...Johnson's and Johnson.
Exactly what Bailee's birth mom had just told them on Thursday that she wanted put on Bailee everyday.
My heart started to pound even faster. I checked out right after her...got to the parking lot and she was nowhere to be found.
I get in the car and call tony...I say please tell be I'm not remembering this woman correctly...I describe the woman...and Tony said "oh honey...I'm so sorry." Obviously I was right. This was Bailee's new family.
I started thinking...why lord? Why let me see her?
Then Toby Mac me without you came on...totally ministered to my heart...the words consoled my weary spirit.
An hour later...
I'm on my way to go get my friend who needed a ride and a song came on the radio...that I loved before...but now even more than before...
It's by Matt hammit...all of me. He wrote it about his son who was born early...with many problems.
I started to ball.
Reality is I had given Bailee all of me...just like Isaac, Ezra and emma...I had held nothing back...even knowing she could be taken away from us at any point.
"Your worth every falling tear...your worth facing any fear...your gonna know all my love, even if its not enough, your gonna have all of me " This was true again...she is worth every tear...and every fear...even though its not enough to keep her with us...it's what God wanted from me to her.
I hate to show emotion...I literally had no choice...but to just cry and cry...which I had done a decent job this weekend of not doing too much in front of the kids...but it had very much been held in...thankfully my friend was late and I was able to pull it together before she saw me a complete mess...but it did make me think of another song that I heard this morning...
Toby Mac me without you...
Touchdown, I fall into Your arms
Right where I belong
Your everlasting arms
And where would I be
I'd be packin' my bags when I need to stay
I'd be chasin' every breeze that blows my way
I'd be building my kingdom just to watch it fade away
That's me without You-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou
I really thought about the lyrics of this song...because its so true....without Jesus holding me through all this I think I would just pack it all up and be moved by my emotion and not care about anything else but the pain I'm feeling....
I don't know how people who don't have a hope in Jesus get through this kind of thing..what holds their hope? Nothing else can satisfy me like Jesus himself and his word...stuff might buy some time...but nothing lasting...nothing to fully sustain me...like Him.
I'm gonna be changed for a while from this sweet kid...will I ever be the same again? Who knows...right now things that use to matter to me...like getting those freeloaders out of my brother and sister's house...just don't...in fact I hurt for those kids more...because those parents didn't protect those girls from "adult" problems, like a good parent should...and now they have to worry where they will lay there head at night...and no kid should have to worry about that...
And apparently my heart grew three sizes that day...
Note to self...don't hire me as your property attorney cause I suck at it.
[sorry mom for using the word suck.]
And she will always and again have all of me...